2.10.2018

I am now filled with a plethora of adventure and paucity for written expression. I feel the words on my throat as I try to shut them out of my mind but they keep on bursting from within. One whole week of no journal-ing’ ergo, this blog post. As much as I want to say that I have been busy (and I really I am still) I couldn’t be busy for things that is constantly boggling me in my mind. Namely:

  • Me as a titular mentor
  • Me as a friend
  • Me and my running/fitness goals

I couldn’t quite comprehend how I STILL, despite my best efforts to read literature which advises me to “JUST BE”, associate myself with these “boxes” and using my stern yardstick of worthiness. (Thor, everybody)

‘Kay, I need to chill. But my mind is totally racing against me. My body is sore from a 5k marathon. (Congratulations, self for this achievement. You will finish the same distance in lesser time, I know it. ) I have Mass service tomorrow, and I am going to the gym afterwards. Despite the complete sufficiency of my schedule, I kind of doubt myself why I’m doing all these stuff in my life and whether I should be the one doing these and if I have it in me to finish the task and I have zero answers for those crap questions that I keep on asking myself anyway.

In lighter news, I am really grateful for the people in my corporate work now. They’re just wonderful, wonderful, people that I cherish now. I did finish the 5k race. So really self, congrats on that! And I am letting myself go of the overthinking and just go to the fucking gym tomorrow and not doubt myself.

Slumber, queen.

❤ ❤ ❤

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Fear of Running Outside

After some battling with myself on how to actually go out and start running this early morning, I found the courage to do it! So I geared myself up and plugged in some headsets, only the left bud was working. 😂 Wise decision because I have the excuse of ignoring other people along the way and especially the rude men who throw annoying phrases while I’m running. Anyway, I was thrilled to have ran a completely empty straight concrete road! I’m just ecstatic literally to have been able to convince myself to go out and run see this beautiful empty road. I kept on thinking how lucky I am to have this able body; to experience how fascinating it is to run. I’m just a beginner, I wasn’t able to run fast and run long, but I can in a few weeks. I have been grinning like crazy because I feel so good. Now the twist is when I had to go back home. By that time I think it was already around 7am and most people are already up. It stressed me to see A NUMBER of people on my way home- going towards the opposite direction of me. I felt stressed upon seeing a lot of people in the area. Is that an introvert problem? I just continued to ignore the random people I see and stomp my way back home. My app advised to take a break every other day of running for beginners for the body to heal recuperate. I guess I’d be taking the same route the next time I run. 

Writing With A Filter

You may have not been here in my blog long enough to notice, but I keep on sprouting and digging back to earth like the seasons. I have always liked the idea of writing- whether in paper or online. I do it, but not religiously. I write when I feel like it and most of the time, I don’t feel like it. Heck, a lot of times I don’t even feel anything at all!

They say writing is therapeutic. Writing is a bridge to understand yourself. Writing for me is a lost art. But maybe, I think the way I do about writing is because I am afraid. Afraid that people will not like what I say, afraid that I could have done a better job in expressing myself, afraid that people will simply ignore me, and afraid that my readers will just waste their time reading from my blog.

That’s a lot to drive you nuts, right? It is driving me nuts. I am kind of in shock actually, to being sitting here and typing this. I have probably traversed from “fear” to “apathy”. I am going to write whatever inspires me to do so without being afraid of anything.. at all.

 

Exposure to Social Media

We are just bombarded with everyone’s everything at any given point in time. Literally 24/7 of viewing people’s lives in our tiny screens. As if reality TV shows of the 90’s (even presently can you imagine) isn’t enough to have fried our brains then. So why do we keep on “frying our brains”? Honestly, I don’t know. I am truly guilty of this destructive habit. Now I just have to make a conscious decision of “nahh, not going to let my time be consumed by you” So that means logging out of Facebook. But I still have Instagram and Twitter to look out for. Especially Instagram. I mean, I have this dire urge to “contribute” to this whole aesthetic lie of Instagram. I check mysel; how I look, how I should present these shenanigans, but the worst is I compare myself to other people- their looks, their adventures, their food, name it. That’s dumber than frying your brain on Facebook. 

I have this resolution of going on social media… with a purpose. I have devised a schedule of actively engaging in those sites (that’s probably my SPF in this context) so I won’t have to fall into the trap of mindlessly going through other people’s social (fabricated) life. That’s kind of my underexposure. 

A non-writer’s Block

I did writing before- tons of them. From fan fictions, to poems, haiku, essays, heck I even did debate briefs! 

Now that I wanted all the words to come out and take form, it’s not happening. 

It got me thinking, “Am I lacking in the head?” “Do I have a hole in my brain?” “Am I not creative enough?”

I have these marvelous thoughts about people interacting and things fully alive with sounds and emotions but everytime that I start my engine to write, it doesn’t spark. It feels like my head is just regurgitating thoughts that seem so beautiful but doesn’t stand alone on its own. It’s such a waste.